Or in other words, running away never works out quite like you think it will.
I'll admit, I never thought I could understand Jonah from the Old Testament. The Lord gave him a prompting and instead of having faith, he ran away. I always feel a little bad for him since he's been known for thousands of years as the guy you don't want to be like, and part of me wondered what he thought he could actually accomplish by running away. I mean, really, God created the heaven and earth, all things answer to Him, and Jonah thought he could hide from an all powerful being? I always thought that Jonah was pretty dumb for even trying.
Then I tried it. There's a big difference between knowing something and truly understanding something, and once I again I was reminded of that difference. So, here's what I call my Jonah story. This one's a long one since it encompasses a month's worth of events.
It all started on our second anniversary. I came home from a terrible day at work to enjoy a delicious steak dinner, and I was just starting to unwind when Steve drops a bomb on me.
"Jaclyn, I was driving home the other day, and I had a conversation with the Spirit. Apparently there's a child that's ready and anxious to come down, and that we're supposed to start trying to have kids."
.... Wait, what? Steve and I want to have kids, but the plan was to wait until he got into graduate school and we got settled into our next location. I really did not want it to be now, and I fumbled around for some words. Steve is really sweet and said that since this affected both of us, that he wouldn't push the subject until I had a confirmation for myself, but he did ask that I start fasting and praying about it as well.
The problem is that the idea is terrifying. I mean, really terrifying. The last time the Lord asked me to have a lot of courage it cost me a lot more than I ever imagined, and I hadn't quite made peace with it yet. I really didn't feel I had the strength to take on this new challenge. However, I knew myself well enough to know that when I got an answer, I would force myself to act. As I thought about it and pondered how I could get out of it, the answer stood right in front of me. Don't ask the question. You can't act if you don't get an answer, and you don't get an answer if you don't ask the question. It was perfect.
So I didn't ask. I avoided the question and went away to Idaho for my best friend's wedding, and though the question lingered, I avoided contemplating the thought as much as possible. That lasted for about two weeks, and then I went to church, which unfortunately for my plan, is a place where the Spirit dwells rather strongly. The Lord decided to try and get my attention once again.
I was sitting in primary with my class full of five year olds, and while they are a handful, some of them are incredibly sweet. I've enjoyed my time in primary, and I've learned that I work incredibly well with kids. As I was sitting in sharing time with one girl on my lap, another boy glancing my way every few minutes and beaming with a huge smile, I couldn't help but think that I do love kids. Without much prompting, I couldn't help but think maybe being a parent wouldn't be so bad, and I could tell the Lord was ready to instruct me. As soon as I realized it though, I put on the brakes and flat out thought, "no way. This is not me asking the question, this is me just thinking about my class. I'm not asking and You shouldn't be answering." The next thing I know there is a tap on my shoulder and Brother Bush from the bishopric wants a few minutes with me. I had yet to give a talk since we moved in almost two years ago, and so I knew I was either getting released or giving a talk. In this case, he asked me to give a talk. When I asked what the topic was, he immediately responded with, "Being guided by the Spirit." My first words out of my mouth were "that's ironic," which is not what Brother Bush was expecting. I don't think that is the normal response people give when asked to give a talk, but it was really was ironic since that was exactly the thing I was trying to avoid. The date for giving my talk was set for the end of the month, and as it was the first Sunday in May, I felt I had plenty of time to stall.
This is the moment when I look back and think, "Did I really think that would work?" One of the neat things I learned about Jonah, though, is that the Lord believed so much in Jonah's potential that He would not give up on Jonah and continued to create circumstances to guide Jonah to Him. Turns out he did the same with me, though I'm really glad I didn't get swallowed by a fish to do so.
I continued stalling, and that Friday (the second week of May) I was to fly home to Ohio for yet another wedding. It was a relatively quick getaway, with me arriving in Columbus around noon and then flying home Sunday morning. I have flown out of the Albany airport plenty of times to know that the security line is never longer than twenty minutes. My flight was scheduled to leave at 9:20, but due to a lack of preparation on my part, I didn't get there until 8:40. Not to worry, I got my tickets and didn't have to check any bags, so I still had a good forty minutes to make it to my gate. I was stressed, but still confident I would get on just fine. I then saw the line for security. Not only did it wrap around as much as possible to the entrance of the security line, but the line itself extended fifty feet past where the official start point was. Not only that, but also there was only one processing station for security open, and it was moving slower than a snail. There was no way I was going to make it. So I stood in line, panicking but waiting my turn, and after fifteen minutes (and moving a whopping ten feet), they started calling my name over the PA.
I had no idea what to do. My flight was leaving, I was stuck in line, and they were calling my name. After the second call, I went up to the lady helping guide the line. She said I could go up to the front, but the security guard did not like the notion of me cutting in front of everyone one bit. They had a good five minute argument about whether I should be allowed to go, and finally they allowed me to go through the security line. I ran up to my gate only to see the plane pulling away from the terminal. I had missed my flight.
I felt awful. I mean, really awful. Since I had never missed a flight, I went up to the desk to ask what happens. The man there said they could reroute me onto the next Baltimore flight, but the next two flights to Columbus were booked solid. They couldn't guarantee me a spot until the 8:30 pm flight, which would put me in Ohio around 10 pm. However, they would put me on standby and if I was lucky I could get in earlier.
I went from feeling awful to downright horrid. My brother and his wife had completely changed their travel plans to be in Ohio so that Aaron could say goodbye before being deployed to Afghanistan, and because of my inability to plan properly, I would have wasted the opportunity to spend time with them before he leaves. I really had no one to blame but myself. I really wanted to pray for the Lord's help, but then I realized that I was trying to avoid His guidance, and I didn't feel like I deserved His help. I decided that I deserved whatever happened and that I just needed to buck up and deal with it.
My flight to Baltimore was smooth, and with the three hour layover, I had plenty of time to build my hope that I could get on the next flight. The area around me started to fill up quickly, and when people started lining up, I realized there was a very solid chance I would not get on this flight. Person after person boarded, and finally they closed the doors to the plane. I was crushed. I wanted to get on that flight so bad, the anticipation and hope was so overwhelming, that I just wanted to sit and cry when they closed those doors. I really wanted to pray again, but still felt that I didn't really deserve a listening ear. However, an announcement went over the PA system that two people needed to report to my gate for the flight to Columbus. I felt bad for hoping someone else would miss their flight, but I really really really wanted those people to not show up at all. Minutes passed, and the anticipation was building, but no one showed up. After a few more calls, the lady got on the PA, and instead of asking for their names, she called for mine. She smiled as she handed my pass, and I got on the plane just fine.
Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that the Lord is not the ambiguous free floating blob up in heaven. This act reminded me that He truly acts like a Father would, a loving parent who listens to His child even when His child was not listening in return. If the Lord could listen to me even when I wasn't listening to Him, then it was time that I stopped running and showed the Lord the same kind of love He showed me. In that moment I knew it was time to accept the answer to a question that I had been avoiding.
The wedding went smoothly, I flew back home from Ohio on Mother's Day. Steve picked me up, and I hesitantly got around to the conversation of getting my answer. And so on Mother's Day, I told Steve that I was ready to become a mom myself.
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